Finding Life Balance
Your goal is to spend and renew energy, and self care is critical for your well being.
Thank you Judy and the Maine Women’s Network for inviting me to speak this evening.
Welcome to the corner of happy & healthy, which is our slogan for tonite, and also happens to be the tag line for Walgreen’s Pharmacy. As some of you know, I relocated 2 ½ years ago to start a new adventure in Maine.
The reason for my move was to have more balance in my life. Having focused on my career and my family for the better part of a lifetime, I was able to control my paid work and focus on what else I wanted to accomplish, which was giving back.
I checked out several nonprofits looking for an opportunity to use my talents and my energy. A former mentor from Colorado told me I should check out SCORE.
For those of you who don't know SCORE, it is a national association of volunteers with a mission to grow successful small businesses across America, one business at a time. Our 32 certified business mentors in Portland are available to meet with you F2F at no cost to you. There are 6 women in our Chapter, and all of them work either FT or PT. And we are seeking more good women. If you have business experience or own or have owned a small biz, we would love to have you join us.
The subject tonight is Finding Life Balance. Balance is defined as a mental steadiness or emotional stability. For over 30 years I stumbled and struggled, and eventually attained a sense of harmony, a semblance of balance . I've learned balance is internal; that there really isn’t one set formula for how to live your life nor how to handle the wife-mother-businesswoman juggling act . I ‘ll share what worked for me in the hope there may be a nugget or 2 that resonates with you. My formula was simple: tune in to each and every role, and figure out which one needed to be the focus.”
As a working mother, I juggled a corporate career, 2 children+ a husband, community service and a life. I am quite certain all of you have been juggling the same 4 roles that I signed up for, it just goes with the territory.
Here is what we are going to explore this evening. First, I’ll reflect on 3 strategies which I have found to be effective in finding my own true North. Next we I will focus on the 3 P’s which were the keys to maintaining my sanity on a daily basis.
Those would be priorities, perspective and passion
.And finally, I will share 10 tips that work as well for me now as they did when I was young. . And of course, there will be time for questions at the end.
So here is the essential question:
Can you have it ALL? Yes, but not all at the same time.
“I’ve learned that you can’t have everything and do everything at the same time.” - Oprah Winfrey
How many of you are between 20-30? 30-40? Over 40?
What is the missing demographic? The 30-40 working mom with young children.
She needs to be here tonight, but frankly, cannot spare the time.
As I reflect on the subject of Finding Life Balance, I offer you 2 observations.
There is never enough time in our lives, regardless of our life stage
The good news is technology has been a huge enabler, and has given us tools to manage our lives more efficiently. The bad news is there is no downtime, and we find ourselves accessible 24/7 for each of our 4 jobs.
We each have the same 24 hours, and it is not a race to the finish line.
The goal is the journey, not the destination, right?
Women are Master Jugglers in life
We are the emotional nucleus for our families and loved ones
We are the do-ers for our community and our churches
We are the go-to over achievers at work
And the reality is there is little time or energy left for ourselves.
Sometimes we feel like our days are spent on a treadmill and we are tired, always tired. Am I hitting a nerve?
If we step back more than 25 years ago, that is when the term Work-Life Balance came into being, and it was a phase to describe the balance between individual work and your personal life. In 1986 I was a working Mom with a 5 and 2 year old.
And I was the family breadwinner.
As a traditional boomer, I went to work for a global industry leader. Not just a place to work, but a remarkable employer that believed in continuous improvement for its 50,000+ worldwide employees. Up until the year I turned 52, I worked for the same company. Along the way, I took most every new assignment that came my way, even though “the new” sometimes scared me half to death. Each time I turned a difficult challenge into a success story I felt like an agent of change. Heck yes, I said, I can figure my way into figuring it out. Was it hard? Of course it was, but along the way I learned how to juggle and ultimately balance my life. I turned down assignments that would require me to move, and that meant my career path took more time. I wanted it all, and I could have it, but not all at the same time. Recall that most men would never say no to a career re-assignment.
Most of my career, I had to travel every week, and I clearly recall spending Sundays making days worth of food so my family would enjoy their home cooked meals when I was away.
I embraced technology from the beginning, as a way to help me get more things done. I also built relationships with my bosses, explaining what I could and could not do.
Have you ever worked for a boss without time management skills? I have. If a meeting is scheduled from 3:00-4:00, at 4:30 have to leave to pick up my kids. I would explain this to whomever was running the meeting, and if the meeting ran over, at 4:30, I quietly picked myself up and left. Mind you this was rather unheard of back in the 1980’s.
6 years ago I took an new assignment in the Middle East. I landed in Dubai on
my 1st trip and found my luggage had not made the trip with me. I had the clothes on my back, my makeup and my laptop. A full day schedule awaiting me on a time zone that was 8 hours ahead of my EST body. It was a little challenging to feel engaged. For breakfast I went to the hotel restaurant and asked for cold cereal, which arrived with camel’s milk. And so it began. I embraced the culture and the experience and soaked it up in ways I could not appreciate until I returned to the US. My clothes eventually arrived, I found a workout room, and I stayed focused. In all my subsequent trips to Dubai, I wore 2 watches on my arms, one for my US time zone and one for local. And I never missed a call to my children, or at that time, my daughter, as my son was off on his own adventures.
So let’s get to the 3 strategies which I found to be most effective. And point worth noting here, one size does not fit all- we each have our own unique capacity for finding balance in our lives.
Show up Fully engaged-
Learn to manage your energy as well as your time
Big ahhh here! I learned the key was to draw on 4 separate but related sources of energy: physical energy, emotional energy, mental focus, and spiritual alignment, or a clear sense of purpose. If I was to get through my long days, I had to have energy. I learned to exercise, until it became a habit, which gave me the physical stamina to put in long hours and have my body support me. Growing up, exercise was never my friend, in fact, as a child, I never did. But in my late 20’s , exercise became MY game changer in my need to find balance.
Exercise gave me better focus, 7 days a week. And by exercise, I do not mean I ran 5 miles every day. I started off walking and then learned to run. I hit the gym and took up weight training. I bought a bike. In the summer I spent time swimming and kayaking. I tried roller blading. And I truly hit the balance jackpot when I discovered yoga. Yes, simply put, plain old vanilla yoga, which taught me to live in the moment. When you are doing yoga, you focus on yoga, not on your daily to do list. And you emerge relaxed, refreshed, and ready to assume your 4 roles again. Working mothers never have weekends off, the daily activity lists simply changes. I found that “something is better than nothing” when it comes to exercise, even if I could only get in a 15 minute walk.
Under show up fully engaged, I needed a daily emotional connection, and it was to my family.
wherever I was in the world, I spoke to both of my kids on their time zone and listened to their daily drama. This grounded me each and every day.
When we talk about “Living in the Moment”, we are speaking of savoring the NOW, neither looking back or forward. Some people refer to it as “flow” being completely engaged in the process. If you cannot recall the last time you felt the flow, it is time to create some flow. I was fortunate, I loved my work and had a passion to achieve. Work was my flow. And I can get in my flow swimming in the ocean, doing power yoga, reading a good book and spending time with friends.
An old friend came up to see me this past weekend, rather impromptu. She stayed for 2 nights. Saturday night we were both spralled on the living couch with our Ipads in our laps, laughing and telling each other stories. Sunday morning she asked me what I was speaking about this evening, and I told her Finding Life Balance. She said what are your key points? I laughed I told her I could not remember right then, as I was so focused on enjoying her company. You might say, we were in the FLOW.
Flow is when you forget about time. The best kind of flow is when you begin to nourish your soul, which can also be known as spiritual alignment. Sometimes your sense of purpose consists of putting one foot in front of the other and getting all the daily drivel done. Purpose is not always a big overarching rainbow, of objectives, sometimes it is just getting the little things done with remarkable efficiency.
Showing up fully engaged means your feet hit the ground running each day. That is literal to some women who exercise at 5:00 a.m. To others, a daily morning meditation or journaling is the way to start their day before the family is up and about. A fully engaged day means you have a plan and the stamina to juggle all the balls that are required of you.
Which leads me to strategy #2
Become a Lifehack –
aka “get organized” the definition of a lifehack is to make one’s day to day more efficient, It was originally a programming term meaning to cut through the info overload.
Being productive isn’t about which apps, tools, and frames of mind you use to get things done.
Enhancing your productivity is about using a set of tools and processes that can make up a full blown productivity system, becoming comfortable with and relying on those tools, and then using them to get important things done in your life and work.
What is your task manager? I used to use the old Steno book for my to do list.
An APP, a notebook with daily to do list
Evernote, Remember The Milk, Reminders on IPhone, I am constantly leaving myself reminders in the car with SIRI.
Set boundaries – keep and set timelines to get things done. Block off times to get items on your To Do list accomplished. Ditch the distractions. Don't answer the phone and don’t look each time a new email hits your box. Disable the message reminder. You don't need to check Facebook every 15 minutes, right?
Know when and how to say no give you an example –
I often come home tired and stressed and I need to exercise. I throw on my sneakers and set out for a hard walk. Coming down my street is a friend whom I see on occasion, and she is walking her dog. She asks me to join her, and the guilty voice in my head might say “ok” she probably wants someone to talk to, Instead what I say is “ I’m walking to the beach and back for exercise and you are welcome to join me. She declines and I’m on my way. Is that selfish? Maybe, but right then I need my exercise more than I need socialization. I have walked with this woman before, and she meanders, with her dog. That’s not a walk by my definition. And to stay fully engaged through bedtime, I need to walk. End of story and guilt.
Or how about your cell phone is ringing and to don’t have time to talk, but you answer it anyway? Suddenly you are inwardly fuming as the person on the other end of the phone is chatting away. Solution? Don't answer the phone and let it go to vm. Never let other peoples timelines screw up yours. That’s not being selfish, its being smart.
Set realistic expectations and deadlines
Don't agree to do something and then get stressed because you should have said no. Life is about choices, and you get to choose what you will and won’t do. It’s OK to decline.
Use a calendar – in fact several calendars, family, personal, etc
Consider a journal and capture those thoughts and your gratitude for making it through this day.
The last strategy is:
Take Care of YOU
Your goal is to spend and renew energy, and self care is critical for your well being.
We are the do-er’s and it is vital that we take care of ourselves.
Who else will do it?
We are so busy taking care of everyone else’s needs and neglecting our own. Why is that? Your sense of self worth is important. You matter and you must schedule time for renewal. If not now I say: when?
Taking care of yourself means putting your needs on the daily calendar.
Schedule that ME time. Every day.
Whether than means getting up before the family to exercise, taking a walk to clear your head at lunch, or scheduling some quiet time before bed for journaling or reading.
The mind and body are one, and if you don’t invest in yourself, then you will not be fully engaged.
Your best friends are sleep and exercise and a healthy diet. I learned that feeling good was essential to getting through my days with a sense of humor. Once I embraced YOGA and my world as I knew it changed. Yoga allowed me to truly live in the moment when I was in class. All my worries left for that 60 minutes. And when they returned, I had a more balanced perspective on my worry list. When I moved to Maine, I tried Power Yoga and continued with the stress free benefits of a cardio workout and movement. Be open to new physical experiences. And never forget the power of a brisk walk for the body and the mind. Truly exercise is the key. If you exercise, you will eat better, and if you exercise you will sleep better. I guarantee it.
Under the taking care of you banner, I’ll also mention it is important to have a trusty friend or two. To talk to another woman who listens, is an investment in your mental health. Now I must admit, I really did not have much time for friends during my 30’s and 40’s. But my college roommate has been my forever friend and she and I connect when we have some time. You may already have a group of like minded friends, and it is perfectly OK to schedule “girls night out”. All part of taking care of you. Working mothers really to have to build some FUN into their lives, and girlfriends offer the ticket to a great night out.
So that’s my 3 strategies, show up fully engaged, become a Lifehack, and take care of you.
Ok, now let move to the 3 P’s that get you through the daily grind.
It’s amazing how these 3 little words bear repeating each and every day.
Priorities, Perspective and Passion
Priorities – you know you can't do it all, right? Your ability to set priorities and do the important things first is the difference between sanity and insanity. Look at the big picture for the day and then what has to be accomplished in the next 18 hours. Most days you can effectively focus on 2 of your 4 roles, so identify those priorities and make you daily plan. Write it down, we accomplish more when it is a written plan.
Perspective – hey, it’s not all that important, you know that as well? I recall baking cupcakes for a 4th grade classroom holiday party. Homemade from scratch with buttercream frosting. What did the kids scoop up first? The store bought red and garish green cupcakes from Stop & Shop. That Mom looked relaxed and enjoyed the party, I was concerned with the perfect cupcakes. Lesson learned? It's the kids, silly, and they will eat anything!!! We don't have to be perfect at everything, only some things. Perfect is for Martha Stewart, not us.
Passion – what just lights you up? How about your family? I was always a good cook and why not make a homemade chicken pot pie from scratch? Because I don't have the time and it’s not a priority and the kids love mac & cheese. So throw your passion into a zumba class or 15 minutes outside racing walking in your neighborhood while the kids are doing their homework. Passion is the time you take for yourself that gives you the strength to get it all done. Trust me on this.
When my kids were high school, I truly needed to get away. My ME time was in short supply and I was meeting everyone else’s needs but my own.
So I did something radical for me. I booked myself a 7 day white water rafting trip in Utah. I flew to Salt Lake City and rented a car and felt like Thelma without Louis as I drove to Moab. I had all kinds of gear, all packed in a dry bag, and my tent. I boarded a 4 person sky plane and set off to be dropped on a plateau to begin the adventure. Did I mention I never camped outdoors before? I joined 18 other women (I did not know) from all over the U.S. and off we went on a bunch of inflatable rafts with 4 guides. I clearly recall my first night after paddling all day on the fast moving river. I could not figure out how to put up the stupid tent I was given. Finally I sat down and cried and someone took pity on me and helped me figure it out . I was too tired to eat and I did not want to sit around and sing Kumbiah with my fellow rafters. I crawled into my tent and went to sleep. In the morning I awoke to the sound of the rushing river and the sun just coming over the cliffs. I climbed out of my tent and stood alone in the wilderness and breathed it all in. And I never looked back. For 7 straight days I lived in the moment, neither looking back or looking ahead. Each morning I drank cowboy coffee, and we packed up the gear and moved down the river. Each day was an amazing adventure testing my limits paddling. We laughed and worked hard, At the end of each day, I stripped down naked and washed in the river. And every night laying on the sand looking up at the stars through my tent was indescribable. I came home with a whole new perspective on life. I really did.
And you know what? The family survived my absence. They fed themselves, managed to find clean clothes and probably never even missed me. Dad is charge for one whole week probably felt like an adventure to them.
Twice more I signed up for the amazing river trips and bought my own LL Bean tent that I finally learned assemble with ease. What is the point of this story? Sometimes we forget that nature offers us the best life balance lessons we can imagine. Consider finding an eat, love pray trip that will change your life.
By now I hope you have gotten some inspiration to focus on one or two strategies and think about how you can incorporate some balance . And maybe the 3 P’s of priorities, perspective and passion will become a daily habit that gives you permission to let yourself off the hook for perfection and enjoy being “good enough.”
Which brings me to my 10 tips, or as Oprah says…… a few things that I know for sure:
Lighten up – unless it is life or death, don't put yourself in the fight or flight state of mind on a daily basis. It is a recipe for a stroke or heart attack.
Taking care of yourself is a simple act with profound consequences.
Get moving every day, exercise really does give you energy to look and feel better
Eat right, a day of M&M’s and soda is not considered nourishment.
Drop stuff that doesn’t matter, life it too short.
Build in downtime before bedtime, complete your worry list before your fall asleep. Sleep really matters.
Learn to let go – you don't have to be perfect and neither does your house or your children.
Be nice – compassion and empathy matter
Don't confuse being alone with being lonely.
I want to end with a short piece called Give Yourself a Break by Melanie Beattie
Learn to appreciate yourself and others, Knowing we desire growth and improvement is one thing, Constantly driving ourselves and others is another. Maybe the answer isn’t that we need to do better, try harder, push more.
Maybe the answer is recognizing and appreciating how well we already do things. How hard we try. How much we have done. How well others are doing too. Pushing ourselves becomes so habitual that we deny ourselves any feeling of satisfaction.
No matter how well or how much we do, the urge to try harder, do better, do more keeps pushing us on. It doesn’t let us rest.
We still feel it isn't quite good enough. If you have been pushing yourself that hard, you may need more than a coffee break. Take a real break. Give yourself permission to put that drive aside. Quiet that part you that wants to do more, be more, accomplish more. Learn to value how well you do things, even if no one appreciates your efforts. For today and one week, instead of demanding more from yourself, tell yourself how well you have done.
So that’s it. My recipe for Finding Life Balance in an overscheduled life.
Thank you-